Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Looking for love in all the wrong places...

The internet is a shady, shady place. As we all learned from our new favorite congressman Anthony Weiner, be careful who you talk to and what you send to people. I’m not going to judge him (not in this post at least, lol) because we all make really, really embarrassingly stupid mistakes in our lives. Being a grown ass woman, I tend to avoid befriending random people online. I did a workshop once with high school juniors and seniors about their online lives. I asked them first how many friends/followers/buddies they had on Myspace, Facebook, Twitter, AIM, etc… and then I asked them how many of those “friends” they actually knew in real life. The percentage was alarmingly small. But as we have seen (and may even be guilty of ourselves) adults can be equally as foolish in the world of cyberspace.

This brings me to the beast known as Craigslist.

Craigslist is probably the shadiest place on the internet (and yet the website ends in .org….). While it can be good for finding apartments, used Ikea furniture, and jobs, the tiny little column labeled “Personals” is where some of the creepiest people on the planet go to prowl. One of my guilty pleasures is looking at the “Strictly Platonic” section. I don’t know about you, but sex with a stranger is not “strictly platonic” in my book. I feel like they should rename the section “Lonely Stoners” (as so many folks just want someone to smoke with) or “No Strings Attached” (since the non-stoners just want to be FBW – that’s friends with benefits in case you were wondering). “Missed Connections” is also quite entertaining because it’s almost like an intelligence test to figure out if a person may be looking for you. Here’s an example of what a “missed connection” might look like: Heading – Cute blonde reading book on train yesterday - m4w - (2 train): “You had on a white shirt and jeans and were reading a paperback book. I smiled at you then got off the train at 14th street. I should’ve said something but was too shy. Email me.” Um, ok… How many cute literate blondes in jeans do you think ride the 2 train? Probably more than one! Granted people don’t really smile too much on the train, so that may help blondie narrow it down, but there was no description of the guy, what time this took place, or which direction the train was going. 99% of the time when I’m reading a book on the train, the only time I look up is to see what stop I’m at. Random guy, put in a little more effort next time you want to track down your soul mate.

The regular personals are definitely not the place to go if you actually want to find someone for a relationship. Here you will find pictures of body parts, crazy propositions, and little known (at least to me) fetishes. So here are some headings that let you know just what New York City has to offer in the “love” department:

Men Seeking Women
“My girl don’t treat me right… Can you?” Maybe your girl appreciates good grammar…
“I would like to date a woman more intelligent than I am – 56” Hmmm...
 “Dr Seeks Hot Sugarbaby $$$$ (700 Weekly) – (Upper East Side)” I may or may not have emailed him… I have outrageous students loans to repay!
“Ladies Unhappily Married? Join ‘The Club’ – 38 - (Fairfield County)” Is this an actual club and is there any sort of fee involved to join?

Women Seeking Men (pretty sure most of these are prostitute...)
“Would You like A Live-In Girlfriend? – 22 – (Yonkers)” Maybe I’m a bit old-fashioned, but this seems just a little forward.
“Sugar Baby :) – 22 – (Upper East Side)” She needs to hook up with the Dr! Clearly they want the same thing and they live in the same neighborhood. I should email them each other’s contact info; I’m sure they’d thank me for setting them up and I’d be in their wedding.
“Are there any serious men out there who just want a booty call? – (Bronx)” I’m sure there are!
“The Most Mysterious Girl on Earth” False advertising. She doesn't look even remotely mysterious in her picture. 

Strictly Platonic
“LETS SMOKE A FAT BLUNT AND SEE A MOVIE – m4w – 25 – (jackson heights)” This actually does seem pretty platonic.
“Come read the Bible with me. Be my Bible pen pal. – m4w – 49 (to Godly Bible pen pal only)” … And so does this one.
Nude Beach road trip, Tuesday, leave from CT or NYC – m4w – 40 (Midtown)” This one is slightly suspect… but only slightly.
“Let’s get married for fun – m4w – 41 – (bed stuy)” The ad ends with “Pre nup mandatory” … well that kinda takes all the fun out of it.
And let’s see what the ladies (using the term loosely) want…
“Very Attractive Lesbian Female Seeks Wingman – w4m – 28 (NYC)” It's a sad state of affairs when a "very attractive" female needs a wingman.
“Platonic Only: Seeking Strip Club Buddy – w4m – 28 (NYC)” Spoiler Alert! This chick is bi!
“Gotta shed the muffin top – w4m- 34 – (Upper West Side)” She wants someone to walk fast and rollerblade with her who will also “hold her accountable.” That’s a lot to ask of a stranger lady; hire a trainer instead.
“what i wouldn’t do for a bottle of add’all right now –w4m – (college/final exams/centrally located)” I mean she didn’t offer anything sexual for it, so I guess it is platonic.

Missed Connections
You gotta look these up yourself because you never know who might be looking for you. Below you’ll find two of my favorites… Enjoy!

Lesson Learned: You literally can find anything on the internet.

I want to know what Leo said...

This CANNOT be real because it is so hilarious. Use your imagination to fill in the blank .

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